


what you’re waiting for

by lovegalore



Category: GOT7
Genre: GOT7 - Freeform, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Jackson, Jackson centric, M/M, hurt jaebum, jaebum centric, use of sex as a coping mechanism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 01:16:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15450162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovegalore/pseuds/lovegalore
Summary: He wants to wrap himself up in love too great that smells like nicotine on summer nights when your heart is broken, but instead of giving up, you keep going because that’s what you do when you love someone. Jaebum wants to toss himself into the ocean, bring his hair up and laugh, he wants to smile and then bury his head into Jackson’s hair while the younger kisses his collarbone out of anything but lust. He keeps desperately trying to find a heaven in the arms of someone who isn’t able to get out of their own hell, because maybe, Jaebum thinks, one day he’ll be more than that.





	what you’re waiting for

 

The first thing Jackson registers is the warm body of Jaebum pressed into his chest, his breaths passing over collarbone, warming the necklaces that rest around his neck and reach down to just above his navel. He groans, lifting his hand to rub at his eyes, surprised to see his best friend naked beneath him, even more see to see himself the same.

 

He wonders what Jaebum thinks.

 

***

More often than not, Jackson presses Jaebum into mattresses less than soft, calling him pretty, washing the boy in sweet words filled with hope only to let Jaebum wake up the next morning to two pillows and a cold bed. They don’t talk about it, continuing to perform on the same stage even after whispering each other's names thirteen hours prior.

 

Jaebum used to cry about it, let the tears fall down his cheeks while his soul ached for Jackson to take him again and again, so maybe this time he would keep him for more than a fuck, for more than a night. His hands made up of sunrises unseen and skin that touches his thighs while calling him beautiful, and God, Jaebum swears that he feels ambient for a hour every couple of days.

 

Jackson is draped in kisses he will give but refuses to receive, promising only in his head before acting it out without his eyes leading the way, trusting only the voice that sits on his shoulder poisoning whatever words that could ever exist. Sometimes, Jackson thinks he’s found a way out and translates that into the tan of Jaebum and wishes that, maybe, someday, he’ll be lovely all on his own.

 

So when Jaebum sits underneath the moon on nights before concerts, the group keeps their distance while Jackson falls onto the sheets of a girl unnamed. He’ll return just in time for whatever is scheduled, ignore the eyes of Jaebum while his heart pours around his feet only to be stepped on.

 

***

 

On a particularly hard day, Jackson returns home with bags underneath his eyes, breath tasting of soju and hair wet from the rain that fell that day. Jaebum is sitting by himself on the couch with his feet tucked beneath him and hood raised above his head. He meets Jackson’s eyes, letting his lip fall from in between his teeth, losing his resolve and looking down.

 

Jackson walks over, sitting next to Jaebum before letting out a long sigh. He looks at Jaebum’s knees, smiling because fuck, Jaebum looks like his entire heart with a red hoodie too big for him falling down his upper-half. He pulls the hood from, Jaebum’s hair flopping over and Jackson’s heart faltering when he sees Jaebum’s eyes rimming red, pervaded by hurt and weakness only he’d be able to pick up on.

 

(It reminds him of the conversation he had with Youngjae not too long ago.

 

‘He loves you, you know that right?’

 

‘I know.’

 

‘Do you love him too?’

 

Images Jaebum curling underneath his body flash in his mind, the sound of his breathing mellowed out against the sunrise before Jackson leaves him to heal on his own. The feeling of Jaebum’s hand against his on days where he can’t find it in himself to leave the shower and sits underneath the water until his blood runs cold and fingers turn purple, and Jaebum picks him up, dries him off, sends him to a warm bed where he can find solitude for a night just to leave it in the morning.

 

Only then does Jackson get it, ‘More than anything.’)

 

“Are you okay?” Jackson whispers.

 

“I don’t want to be disposable, Jackson-ah.. Please, I’m not, I’m not stupid.”

 

“What are you even talking about Jaebum?”

 

“Was she pretty?” Is all Jaebum responds with, leaving the room with his softness laying on the couch, just waiting to be torn apart again. (It’s okay, it’s okay.)

 

***

 

Jaebum rolls over, his face hot with tears as they drip down to his cheekbones. His lips are swollen, bitten and bleeding over his chin all the way to his pillow. His heart, bruised and crying, pushed six feet under, trying to find its way out, suffocating and falling like matches after being lit. He just wants Jackson to bleed him out and he’s angry at himself for wanting to fall again and again.

 

His mind is clouded, sorrow eating at his fingertips, wiping them away and losing himself like placemarks in a book unwritten. He craves the one person who only wants to take him on nights where the lights are dimmed and he could never, not in this lifetime or the next, be enough. He falls apart on skin that only wants him after belonging to no one but still keeps taking, loses himself on breath that heated only by alcohol served by someone he could never be.

 

Jaebum wants.

 

***

Jackson sighs against himself, bringing the spliff to his mouth before sucking in, filling his lungs with smoke for a hit longer than what he should be able to handle without coughing. His mind is fogged over, feeling only the numbest pieces of himself that have stung for a bit too much time now. His lips are oozing and scratchy, warm from the temples of someone unnamed and thin thighs that he ripped apart only a few hours prior.

 

Taking another hit, Jackson looks down at his loose hand and loses it all at once. He harshly screams, his voice shredding the ice air with a pain that could only belong to someone who is wartorn within rather than on a field of those that he needs. He raises a fist, hitting the wall behind him, getting even angrier when it doesn’t break but instead, turns his hand purple.

 

(His entire life, all Jackson has done was walk in circles, constantly trying to prove himself and never, not once, understanding that he was enough on his own. His soul made up of languages unlearned and flights across the world when he was just learning to walk on his own. Jackson wants to breathe and find a way to be sublime without burning his lungs before he even getting a chance to breathe.

 

His head trapped underwater while his mind belongs to meeting he wasn’t allowed to have and words that would’ve ended everything if he ever voiced them. When he’s not been able to sleep past four am since his thirteenth summer, how could Jackson not leave Jaebum laying on the bed by himself?

 

He’s scared he’s going to get Jaebum sick, scared of his words, scared of what he feels but won’t let himself think, he’s scared that one day, it’ll all mean nothing.

 

READ: It’s hard to be depressed in a place where depression doesn’t exist, only suppressed feelings and bridges that have the names of thousands written across them.

 

Dying isn’t the worst thing that can happen to a person, Jackson has had to learn to that the hard way.)

 

He doesn’t mean to be cruel and he most certainly doesn’t mean to make Jaebum crumble beneath his fingers, sometimes, Jackson wonders if Jaebum will ever leave and sometimes, Jaebum wonders if Jackson will ever keep him for more than a night.

 

Pressing the smoke out of his body one last time, Jackson finishes off his spliff and feels a little bit less like himself.

 

***

Jaebum knows what it’s like to lose, to have the world in his palms, drop it to the ground and let it all shatter beneath him, and once he tries to pick it up the glass cuts into his palms, making him bleed without the heart behind it. He’s let himself go on Sunday mornings where Elton John plays through a radio Jaebum brought back from the room he grew up in.

 

His whole life he’s ran and ran from anything good, ran from girls in primary school that would’ve married him right after graduation, left home where he became the person he used to be. Life came fast and Jaebum has left heart stains everywhere he’s went, arms used to always be somewhere for him to fall right into.

 

Then Jackson came along, and suddenly, his whole world changed.

 

He’s not quite sure when it happened, it seemed like he fell asleep one night and woke up dripping in Jackson’s midnight rain and it felt like something he’d never felt before. Collecting around his wrists until he was pinned to the younger boy’s bed and hooked on his lips. The falling wasn’t soft or gentle, it swept over Jaebum like a hurricane over his head and took everything but the memories of Jackson, burning them down to his eyes and making sure that he would never forget.

 

Like yellow shirts blown through by the sun, Jaebum let himself be carried away by the wind. So when he undresses down to his core and waits on the bed for Jackson to take him, just once, just twice, just three times until it turns into years of I miss you Jackson-ah, I want you, this is all for you, take me again and let me be enough to be kept. The stars fall down, bursting into colors and Jaebum thinks it’s beautiful but he has to realize that someone died for that, someone lost it all and when it comes down to it? He’s worried he’s too far gone to car.

 

Down to whatever makes a person Jaebum lets himself belong to Jackson without a second thought, because the tears only fell when he let them and Jackson calls him pretty in between too thin sheets and Jaebum swears that it’s the only time he’s ever felt full.

 

He wants to wrap himself up in love too great that smells like nicotine on summer nights when your heart is broken, but instead of giving up, you keep going because that’s what you do when you love someone. Jaebum wants to toss himself into the ocean, bring his hair up and laugh, he wants to smile and then bury his head into Jackson’s hair while the younger kisses his collarbone out of anything but lust. He keeps desperately trying to find a heaven in the arms of someone who isn’t able to get out of their own hell, because maybe, Jaebum thinks, one day he’ll be more than that.

 

That’s all Jaebum really thinks about it.

 

***

**Author's Note:**

> feedback please <33


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